overheard in chicago

on the fullerton bus, nov. 28, approximately 10:30 pm:

18-20 year old dude to some old person that had just gotten on the bus: you want a seat? i have SARS.

i'm not sure the hilarity and brilliance is properly translated via the Internets, but it is one of the best things i've overheard in a lonnnnnnng time.

Gobble Gobble, Y'all

Have a safe and happy one, people.

(Is that the guy who was standing behind Sarah Palin?)

this is for dad and his clan

looks like lennon might be headed for heaven, after all!

For Ally

hey paul

a kid webcasted (is that a word?) his suicide on that site you use. that's sad, right?

Adjust Your Menus, People

Alright, I realize that this might be cutting it close and that most people will already have their Thanksgiving ducks in a row, but I would be doing the world a huge disservice if I did not bring this to your attention.

Last year we gave our turkey a bacon tuxedo, complete with a bacon bowtie and lapels. It was self-basting. It was fun. Most of all, it was absolutely delicious.

You've probably heard of turducken, a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken.

Some genius has given the world the Turbaconducken. Behold:


Turducken wrapped in and stuffed with bacon.

Here is the step-by-step Turbaconducken Tutorial.

This would have made the pilgrims proud.

[This has been a public service announcement.]

Another Father of the Year Nominee

Oh, Timothy Allen Hall... Look at you, giving Rollin' Roland Reese a run for his money.

You may not have been arrested in the middle of a high speed shoot out while drinking and stoned with your children in the back seat, but you put a lot of effort into this.

The drunk driving with a suspended license and registration, speeding and leading the cops back to your mobile home to allow them to discover that you left your young children home alone shows real chutzpah.

The fact that the cops then found a bunch of pot that you wrote off as just being "old stuff" and therefore irrelevant is impressive. Your five year old daughter crying and clinging to the officer, pleading to know when she can get you out of jail? Bonus points.

The coup de grace? Well, that has to be when your other daughter (who will turn just 2 years old on Tuesday... Happy birthday, kid!) stumbled into view carrying a pack of Newports with a cigarette in her mouth.

Bravo, my good sir. Bravo.

I thought that this was the stuff of fictitious (and funny) bloggers.

You could give this guy a lesson or two to add to his wonderful site as well.

slate can do no wrong by me

check it:

You Are So Beautiful... To Me....

[via]

Somewhat Synchronous Stuff

As I was walking from the break room back out to the library itself, I overheard one of the librarians lamenting the fact that "kids today don't write anymore. They print. Whatever happened to cursive, you know?"

A travesty, to be sure.

Then, I sit myself down for the second half of my torturous day here and I see this here article.

Simultaneously hilarious and utterly depressing.

Evidently kids don't write (well) anymore.

'it's like meat with a pause button'

i don't know why, but seeing a link to this article on this site made me think of our blog.

and of my dear brothers. jeff, do you love spam like you love bacon? is it wrong that i equate the two foodstuffs in my mind?

this is for jeff pt 2

because i know you love correcting typos/incorrect grammar/stupidity.


do you think the band doesn't know how to spell its own name? or the sign-hanger is an i-before-e-except-after-c stickler? my guess is the second option.

unfortunately, i don't care enough to do an internets search to discover the answer.

Save Our Children

Oh, the joys of the Ivy League. Endless inspiration and a boundless source of hope for our future.

Today we're hosting a little conference for people working in the early education field. Ten minutes after this group gets together, one of the attendees points to the doors directly in front of me (pictured below) and asks me the following question:

"Is that outside? I want to go outside. Is that outside out there?"

Another tally goes to the "homeschool my kids" column.

***UPDATE!***

Someone just walked in, put their finger on the stack of xeroxed copies of the library's schedule and insisted that they were "here for this."

I replied, "That is just the schedule for the library."



"This is why I'm here. For this."

After a deep breath I ask if they meant that they were attending the conference downstairs, to which I received a look that implied that I was a complete idiot.

These people will be here all day today and tomorrow.

Great.

Allow me to remind you that these are the educators of our youth.

Jeepers.

jeff, you should have just blogged about it

this is what it's like to be jeff and/or me on a nearly daily basis. so much gchatting. i was going to write a kitchen synch post about this, but i'm lazy. is that rude of me?



today, we bring you 'Ethics: Oprah Style.'

3:25 PM Jeff: oh, oprah!http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/11/11/o.are.you.rude.test/index.html

3:26 PM me: im gonna take the quiz!!!

Jeff: if you do, i will

3:27 PM me: good. if you didn't, that would be rude.

i'm doin it. hard hitting moral issues at hand, here

Jeff: seriously

3:28 PM they don't give you a score?

well... i am the man]

3:29 PM me: seriously!

Jeff: i have gossiped

me: what a sham!

Jeff: that was the only thing on that list that i have done to be dickish.

so there

me: you ALWAYS cover your mouth when you yawn?

Jeff: yes

always

when i am alone

me: bullshit

HA

3:30 PM Jeff: seriously

it is habit

momma raised me right, what can i say?

3:32 PM me: whatever

Jeff: ...

wait

are you rude?

3:33 PM 'fess up

me: im not rude

sometimes i dont cover my yawns

Jeff: so you are

wow

me: i answer non-urgent cell phone calls if i don't like the person im face-to-face talking to

3:34 PM Jeff: the floodgates are opening

let it all out, ally

me: i've RSVPd late

but never gossiped.

Jeff: it is like i don't even know who you are

me: HM

Jeff: never?

never ever?

me: that was a blatant lie, im sorry

3:35 PM Jeff: i couldn't think of an example, but i am sure that i must've

me: i dont even know what the true definition of 'gossip' is

Jeff: i took it as talking about someone behind their back

me: that's 'shit-talking'

Jeff: i am sure i must have done that

3:36 PM yes

exactly

have you ever spoken feces, ally?

me: but i think that friends discuss mutual friends with each other

Jeff: ...they gossip

me: right. so everyone is guilty of that. i think it's understood

Jeff: i admitted that i did it

it is okay

me: millions of wrongs make a couple rights

Jeff: EXACTLY

3:37 PM thank you, oprah, for teaching us all.

is there anything that woman CAN'T do?

3:38 PM me: i really don't think so

i'm probably going to blog about this, so thanks in advance

Jeff: i was going to, but i figured that all things oprah are your domain

obviously

3:39 PM me: mine was going to be synchronicity-related

so blog away my friend

Jeff: no

run with it

me: no, you can do it. i dont want you to gossip about me for stealing it

Jeff: i wouldn't

i am not rude

3:40 PM unlike SOME people, yawning and RSVPing late...

me: but you are a self-professed gossipper

Jeff: i said that although i cannot remember any specific instances of gossiping, i concede that it is likely that i have done so at some point

3:41 PM as opposed to someone who talks shit like it was her bidness

rudy mcruderson

hmph

you don't even eat bacon

you can't be trusted

3:42 PM wait a second

YOU DON'T EAT BACON?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

me: ok ok ok. i confess. i ate a bacon-wrapped scallop once.

... and i liked it....

Jeff: i have never been more proud of you than i am right now

3:43 PM me: i feel like a new woman, having come clean

3:44 PM Jeff: oprah would be so proud of you

and isn't that what we all strive for?

3:45 PM i think that with my oprah-approved test score, i could probably get into oprah's pants

3:46 PM me: with those thunder thighs? jeff, you'd burst the seams!

Jeff: aw yeah...

(i'm doing the cabbage patch as i say that of course)

me: hahaahhaa

still reading? SUCKER.

Jeff's Wet Dream in Ally's Back Yard

wow. just wow.

Excerpts from VP Debate

Hail to the Long-Legged Mack Daddy

In Brief

pardon my tense changes, yes you can

alright, here's my own personal barack hussein obama rally experience, told mostly through low-quality phone camera photos.

well, first and foremost, i did not fix my nail polish, as advised by jeff.

moving on, this is what it looked like behind me as i was about 15 minutes (and 10 feet) away from passing through the metal detectors:


so many people. the crowd was not getting to me at this point, though. the security thing was weird, actually. the tribune and the e-mailed ticket said to make sure to bring photo ID and blah blah blah but at every checkpoint, the security guards just barely glanced at IDs. i don't think they even checked to make sure the names matched. in fact, i'm quite sure they didn't because my ticket said brisbin, ally and my ID says allyson brisbin. there was never an instant of hesitation to make sure i was the right person.

okay, now i'm in the rally and the line for pizza looks like it's hours long. my friend that i entered with (we split up from another set of friends) decides she doesn't want to stay and would rather go home to prepare for a midterm. i tell her i don't blame her and hug her good-bye and decide to head into the crowd.

i plant myself near this lil' guy, among others:


he was dancing to some hott jamm. minutes later he was chanting 'o-ba-ma! o-ba-ma!' as the night wore on, he slept at his mom's feet. she woke him up when our boy won. he went back to sleep. then, just as prez-elect took the stage, lil' guy barfed.

i tried to move closer to the stage but it was a huge mistake. i almost barfed, myself. i literally couldn't move, could barely breathe since there was a man's wool jacket in my face. i ended up migrating back and finding some oxygen just a few steps back from where i was when i took the photo of lil' guy.

i was miserable and txting friends and family and trying to convince myself to work through the crowd-anxiety and three hours of sleep i was running on. cnn's election coverage was being shown on a jumbotron that i could see if people in front of me had their heads positioned correctly.

i sat down every once in a while. it was easier to block out all the ambient conversations that were swirling in my mindspace when i was crouched down in a leg forest. but i was a little scared of people farting.


anyway, finally the decision was announced:


we cheered. we cried. we rejoiced. we laughed at mccain when he thanked sarah palin. we waited (im)patiently for obama to take the stage. then he did. i couldn't see him.


i could barely even see the jumbotron during this portion. it didn't matter. i just wanted the two valley girls standing next to me to shut up.

when it was all over, i made my way out of the mess. i didn't realize how many people were there until i stood upon a hill and eyed this:

then, i took part in one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. everyone was walking the streets in the loop. no cars. everyone just walking. people standing on sidewalks were cheering and there were chants of 'yes we can' and 'yes we did' and 'o-ba-ma' and it was so surreal and beautiful. i felt like i was part of something.


everyone was happy and it was genuine and it was solidarity and it was dreams coming true. i heard a man on the phone say, 'we did it, mama! we have a black president!'

every thirty feet or so, i got all teary eyed. it was overwhelming, but in a really good way, and all of my bad, anxious feelings from the rally (and beyond) were washed away. i've been feeling so powerless and lost lately and a lot of that is gone now. i could feel what a huge turning point this is and what an important time we're living in.

let's not fuck it up, eh?

Amazing

I am so proud this morning. All I wanted last night was to go to bed knowing that the United States had made a decisive decision, one that would likely usher in actual change in policy and potentially be a first step towards restoring our standing in the international community.

Despite the polls, I was nervous heading into the moment the returns started coming in, and stayed anxious until Pennsylvania was awarded to him.

Once he had 207 electoral votes before the west coast polls closed, the writing was on the wall and I finally exhaled.



Before I made my way to the polls yesterday, I took about five minutes to walk through the Old Burying Ground in Cambridge.

I wanted to spend a few moments among the remains of early colonists, slaves and revolutionary soldiers (including African American soldiers who died fighting for independence). As corny as it sounds, I thought it would help to drive home exactly how historic this election would eventually be.

Here's to the hope that this will indeed begin a significant shift away from unilateralism, away from rewarding blind greed, away from divisiveness and toward unity.

That is the only way we can expect to right the ship as we face a series of challenges most Americans have never experienced.

To quote Ricky Bobby, "Did that just blow your mind?!? Yeah. That just happened!"

Keep It Locked, Yo.

[real-time, via google]

An Example of Why I'm Still Scared (w/2 Updates)

On the very day that this country has a very real chance to elect its first minority President, a headline like this is in the news:

Fla. board keeps Klan leader's name at high school

Sad.

Notice that this is Florida, a swing state.

Yes, my election day paranoia has officially begun.

If only more people could have been presented with this idea:

[via]

***UPDATE***

Here's how they'll steal this election.

And here is a great article on what to watch for tonight, by the brilliant Nate Silver.

***ANOTHER UPDATE***

Shenanigans in Florida? They're "fixing" ballots on which people made "mistakes." This is probably nothing, but why open that door?

The person responsible for the phony Virginia fliers may have been identified.

subway book club: 'El' special

this is a lil' throwback to something jeff began way back in september.

tonight, the night before chicago's own barack obama could potentially be called our next president, i caught a man reading this book on the El:

i stared at him for most of our travels, trying to read his face. it was blank. i didn't think anyone still respected this whore, let alone a chicagoan on the eve of the election! even if he was reading it to get angry, that takes some ballz!

look at him:

Tomorrow

I apologize for the previous post. That was supposed to be a GIF where McCain's floating heads bob around in space and lick each other.

To make up for this, I give you three other pictures that capture the moment as we are poised on the precipice of potential Presidential perfection:



Keep your fingers crossed, people.

Ally, please take pictures and share them with us.

Please.

Thanks.

My Friends

wtf

watch this the whole way through, painful as it is:

i'm a starr

dad likes me more than ringo starr!!

check it:


lol @ van "the man" morrison!

Prankin' Palin

Those crazy cannucks... a Canadian duo known for their prank calls to celebrities and political figures convince Sarah Palin that she's talking to Nicolas Sarkozy.

Weekend Links

I have probably suggested PopUrls.com to you in the past. It is a great resource, aggregating dozens of sites, providing links to all of their posts in one place. It is a brilliant time saver, allowing people to stay up-to-date with a single click of the mouse.

I use it every single day.

My one complaint was that it wasn't customizable. Oh, how I longed to add a few baseball sites on there, y'know? Make it my own.

Well, there's a new site that allows you to set up an account and create your own PopUrls clone, consisting of any site you desire with an RSS feed.


Indiviurls.com is the answer to my prayers. Paul, your site might just join Ally's my page, too, if the database lets me connect... and if you have a feed.

I highly recommend this. I've only been using it for a couple of hours, but it's pretty great.



Take a couple seconds to try this out. Eerie. How does THAT work?

Oh... and I thought that this might come in handy for something. Someday.

Baconnaise.


Have wonderful weekends.