A Fork in the Road?

(Note: I am not her Secret Santa.)

down with the clown til she dead in the ground

man kills wife during sex-gun play

the article links to dude's facebook page. guess what? HE A DOWN-ASS JUGGALO.

which is interesting, since at the show eric and i went to, one of the opening acts sang a song about his "freaky chick" (this is after suggesting the audience show him "some titties") and the song was essentially a narrative account of sex at gunpoint.

i'm not saying the song killed the woman or even put it into the guy's mind. indeed, the author of the blog post i linked to suggests maybe the "sex game" defense is just a cover-up. although, i can imagine someone being stupid and short-sighted enough to not unload a gun before literally f*cking with it. especially if he's mid-sugar high from pounding a few 24-oz bottles of faygo.

maybe what's most disturbing about the story is that this 23-year-old man's wife was 50 years old.

Should I... "Fork It Over"? (I'm not going to.)

Xmas Memories: 2010

 I'm hungry just looking at this.

 Xannie ruined this otherwise perfect photo. She didn't smile. Thanks, Xannie. You ruined Xmas.

 Jen, shortly before her life would be changed forever.

 What's up, player?

 In Russia, women are like buses.

 Me, Dad and his little bird friend.

Stars. Film Icons. Talent personified.

 Technical difficulties. So frustrated.

 Both Kara and I were wearing our streaks.

The last time they will ever be together.

Ever.

How I Spent My Monday Night

awesome stuff.
0

yes. the "Band on the Run radio" channel on SiriusXM has overtaken me.

scrotum fire!

No Need to Thank Me: Dancing

Hi, and welcome to another installment of the indispenible "No Need to Thank Me," a column in which I share priceless words of wisdom, inspiring nuggets of truth and helpful hints to help you have a happier, simpler and all-around better life.

Dear STR,


I'm a 16 year old guy. The girl I like asked me to the school dance, which is AWESOME!!! One problem. I don't know how to dance. I need to learn fast, because it's a New Year's dance. Any suggestions?


-Tim
Topeka, KS


Hey, Tim.

Congrats on the date. I can imagine that you're pretty stressed. Have no fear! We'll get you on track.

A lot of people would tell you to learn two dances: a slow dance and a faster dance. Those people are fools. You only need to know one dance, if it is the right one. Luckily for you we here at STR can direct you to the master.

Here's what you do:

1. Put on your best Lycra-based outfit
2. Watch the following video
3. Practice until you have it down

It's that simple, Tim. You're welcome, but really, there's no need to thank me.

Are you in need of some sage advice? Don't hesitate to leave a question in our comments section. You just might find it to be the subject of a future NNTTM column! Wouldn't that make your day? Dare to dream, friends.

A Legendary Proposal

This msg was in Alicia's Facebook inbox.



How great?

This was Celebration Worthy.

For me.



it runs over an hour and a half... and is pretty entertaining theatre.

worth at LEAST skimming through for the presence of George Takei as guest announcer alone.

No Need to Thank Me: Holiday Styling

Hi, and welcome to my newest venture here at STR: "No Need to Thank Me," a column in which I share words of wisdom, nuggets of truth and helpful hints to help you have a happier, simpler and all-around better life. First up? Holiday styling.

Listen, I know that finding just the right look for big events such as a holiday get-together can be stressful. You want-- no-- you NEED to look your best.

You're a trendsetter. Someone people look to as something of a fashion icon, if you will. There's no half way when it comes to your look, so you simply cannot settle for less than the best.

But here's the thing: The current economic climate doesn't lend itself to extravagant fees for styling services, even for something as important as, let's say your hairstyle. Even considering that your hair is like nature's hat for your face. It's integral to tying together your whole image. I mean, it would be great if you could find just the right style for around 30 bucks, right? Obviously. But that is a silly pipe dream. There's no way that you could find a deal like that with a hairstylist that you could trust.

...Or COULD you?!?

Yeah. You could. Only there's one catch: It won't cost you $30.

There's always a catch, right?

Luckily for you, it will only run you $27.50.

I know! Back up the truck! "Did I just read that properly, or have I had a few too many sips of ye olde egg nog?!?" No. That is what I typed.

Perfect style, done by a consummate professional all for the low price of $27.50.



You're welcome, but really, no need to thank me.

Are you in need of some sage advice? Don't hesitate to leave a question in our comments section. You just might find it to be the subject of a future NNTTM column! Wouldn't that make your day? Dare to dream, friends.

oh brother, where art thou?

josh ... are you there?

 (Sorry. I couldn't resist a perfect procrastination task. -j)

QB eats a german suplex.

Don't Ask.

classic reverse double racism displayed through the magic of pro wrestling.

silent love

so i've become sort of subconsciously obsessed with a frequent customer at the cafe.

she's one of our more active facebook friends, and because of this i know that she is a graduate of the moody bible institute. this discovery is actually whence my obsession arose. i get really excited when she comes in, even though we never say more to each other than my standard "hey, how's it going? what can i get for you today? do you need a code for the wifi? $1.93, please. thanks. enjoy." and her "hey, good. a decaf for here, please. hehe, yup."

she has huge sparkling blue eyes and is always smiling. she's a very big girl, probably about my age, and she has some really awesome detailed feathery-looking black and white tattoo on her forearm. she's some odd mixture of self-conscious and badass (minus the whole god-love part).

last night she was in my dream. (this is the part where i admit that i slept for upward of 15 hours yesterday: came home around 2, fell sleep around 3, woke at 10. went back to sleep around 1 am and woke today around 10) we had a talk in my dream about some film i had just watched (in dreamlife, not real life) about white supremacy and she started preaching against it. in my dream, my brain really wanted me to get her talking about god and spew some truth at her, but it never went there.

anyway, i can't really share my obsession with her with anyone else. there are few people that frequent the shop that either attend or have attended moody bible institute. they're all super nice and i just want to shake the crap out of them!!!

i'm reading the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. really great narrating voice (15-year-old autistic boy) and his arguments against god are awesome. i think i prefer them to christopher hitchens' high-falutin' diatribes (though i do admire that man). i share with you:

But when Mother died she didn't go to heaven because heaven doesn't exist.

Mrs. Peters's husband is a vicar called the Reverend Peters, and he comes to our school sometimes to talk to us, and I asked him where heaven was and he said, "It's not in our universe. It's another kind of place altogether."

...

I said that there wasn't anything outside the universe and there wasn't another kind of place altogether. Except that there might be if you through a black hole, but a black hole is what is called a singularity, which means it is impossible to find out what is on the other side because the gravity of a black hole is so big that even electromagnetic waves like light can't get out of it, and electromagnetic waves are how we get information about things which are far away. And if heaven was on the other side of a black hole, dead people would have to be fired into space on rockets to get there, and they aren't or people would notice.

...

The Reverend Peters said, "Well, when I say that heaven is outside the universe it's really just a manner of speaking. I suppose what it really means is that they are with God."

And I replied, "But where is God?"

And the Reverend Peters said that we should talk about this on another day when he had more time.

My Date with Condoleezza Rice

Eat your heart out, Jack Donaghy.

I won a free ticket through work. Figured that I could at least see what she has to say. She's a bright lady, even if I do disagree with many of her stances on practically everything. Who knows, she could surprise me.

Juggalos Care

Help a ninja out. MMFCL, y'all.

best dialogue ever.

God Bless America

oh, brothers!

paul wants me to write more. i started a new blog but decided it'd be cooler if could we all get better at using this as a mode of communication. i'm going to add josh to the authors list as well. figure out what's going on in that punk's mind.

that said, here's the post i just deleted from the new blog i will probably delete:

the other night i had a totally pathetic scene-from-a-movie moment. drunk on half a bottle of wine, home alone, cute dude that was supposed to come over had rainchecked our plans, i went into the bathroom. i cranked some sleater-kinney. i chopped the shit out of my hair.

i laughed maniacally and shook my head all over the place and thought “i was supposed to have therapy today and i didn’t. you happy now, maureen?”

this time was different than times past because i implemented a new device for keeping the floor clearer than usual of clippings. i took an old plastic shopping bag, split it, and wore it like a shawl. i smiled at my brilliance as it slipped around and, more than twice, spilled my hair ends onto the floor. i just kept chopping away. it felt good. a purge. a change.

when all was said and done, i stared in the mirror. i knew what nathan would say. he would say i looked like i belonged in twin peaks. it was true. from head to toe, it was true. even inside my brain!!!

screw your silence.

AND your insolence!

hide your kids, hide your wife.

okay. by now... anyone with an internet connection has seen this:

and it's very likely that if you've seen that, you've seen this:

but have you seen this?

josh likes dido

paul, i think you're best equipped to tell us if this is a joke or not.

This is Why People Hate the USA

Legendary Thoughts

The Dutch Mini Daddy

I present:

BOB!



awwww, yeah. the earring makes it.

My Kind of Town

The missus and I flew to Chicago for a weekend. We had an incredible time. We got to see the hippest new coffee shop in the city and can tell everyone we know that we were going there since it opened. We're old school. The coffee was great. The service? Well... the one owner there, the broad? She's kind of a pain.

Ally has a great apartment. Huge, even. (By Boston standards, anyway.)

[Pictured below: Nothing special. Just Ally in her kitchen (by the sink, coincidentally). She's not being sassy, she's just being Ally. Don't hate.]

We caught the main stage show at Second City (not pictured) and sat front row center. The show was absolutely hilarious. Far better than anything SNL has done lately.

Jenna and I had some authentic deep dish pizza (also, regrettably not pictured). Good lord, I could eat that every day.

We were treated to a history lesson, delving into the true origins of our great nation. Did you know that Ben Franklin was into space docking? According to Professor Drew, he was a total freak. If you'd like to learn more about the Boston Tea Party, please watch the following clip.



Fascinating.

All of Ally's friends were very nice. The ones we were able to meet, anyway.

We went to the bar across the street from Ally's cafe. (I really wish that I had taken a few photos of this place. It had a great atmosphere. I miss Miss Ollie.) We had a blast. They were blaring R. Kelly and other musical geniuseseseses. The owner quickly whisked Ally and her guests to a reserved table and brought over a complimentary bottle of champagne. VIPs, y'all! I think there was an older gentleman who was trying to steal Jenna away from me while I was in the restroom. Can't blame him. The man has taste. Respect the game.

We covered a lot of ground, explored a handful of neighborhoods. Chicago has a laid back feel to it. The streets are wide, so you don't feel claustrophobic, it is clean, the people are friendly... It just felt like a good spot.

Personally, I really wanted to go to Wrigley Field. They didn't have any games scheduled during our January weekend (they must have been on the road or something), but I got to chill with a couple of legends (no, not Jenna and Ally).

We even saw some wildlife.

A great trip. We will definitely return, whether Chicago likes it or not.

Mini Daddy

If the dancers were women instead of children, this would have been perfect.

Oh, and if the song was any good.

Then? As good as it could possibly get.